The Definitive Thanksgiving Foods Tier List

For starters, I know that things like this are entirely subjective, and everything I’m about to say is based purely on my personal experiences and opinions. That being said, these rankings are rock solid, and they can’t possibly be contested. If you think that any of my rankings are wrong, you are sadly mistaken and probably have the pallet of an eighty-five year old smoker. With that out of the way, let me tell you for certain which Thanksgiving foods are objectively best.

*Starting with the worst and ending with the best*

The Plate Fillers

Rolls, Carrots, Cranberry Sauce, Corn

This was probably the most difficult tier to make, because I struggled to label anything as the “worst” when it’s all so delicious. Carrots and Corn were easy choices here, since it really takes some special preparation to make them pop on a plate as stacked as this one. I appreciate a good cornbread or sweet roll as much as the next person, but I needed something to fill out the bottom tier in much the same way as a roll fills out a Thanksgiving plate. I know a lot of people are going to hate me for throwing cranberry sauce in here—my mouth also waters when I see that OceanSpray can—but it always felt like cheating to take something that’s basically a dessert and serve it with the rest of the meal.

The Gravy Bunch

Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes

There’s no two ways around it, this group is the meat-and-potatoes of your plate. Thanksgiving traditionalists will kill me for placing them in the second lowest tier, but they’re only looking at half the picture. The fact is, these foods depend heavily on the presence of gravy for flavor and moisture, especially upon subsequent reheatings. This is where I’d like to introduce a leftover rating, l. The process for finding l  is fairly simple. One divides the reheatability factor, r, by the fullness factor, f, as shown in the equation below.

l = r/f

The reheatability factor is the ability of a food to be reheated without drying out or losing flavor. Turkey is exempt from this equation because it can be eaten cold as a turkey sandwich, but would otherwise possess a very low r. The fullness factor is a simple measure of how full the food makes you, with stuffing and mashed potatoes possessing two of the highest fullness ratings. Normally this would be good, but since this is Thanksgiving, you’re going to need a lot of room for other foods, and you’ll probably have more leftovers from The Gravy Bunch than you will gravy—which can spell disaster heading into early December. This results in a low leftover rating for most of this group, and their relatively low ranking in this tier list.

The Who-Made-This? Tier

Green Bean Casserole, Macaroni & Cheese, Collard Greens

This group contains dishes that have very high ceilings, but also depend greatly on who is making them. If you are at a family potluck type situation where everyone brings a dish, they may also cause you to say “Who made these greens?” or “Damn, who made this?” if they’re prepared with enough skill and love. Something like mac & cheese is pretty tough to mess up, but it can also be elevated to the star of the plate with an experienced chef. Unfortunately, it suffers from a low l  given its potential to dry out in a microwave. However, a damp paper towel over your plate when reheating gives mac & cheese a strong case for inclusion in our top tier.

God Tier

Sweet Potatoes

This is actually a sweet potato appreciation post. They’re delicious and easy to prepare (anything involving butter and brown sugar means you’re on the right track). They’ve got a great leftover rating, and aren’t dependent on gravy like regular potatoes. Also unlike regular potatoes, their sweetness allows them to be digested by the infamous “dessert stomach”, an ability unique to the sweet potato. This means you can eat as many as you want without getting full. They’re also the only main course dish that doubles as a dessert, in the form of sweet potato pie. I know I dragged cranberry sauce for essentially the same thing, but with absolutely no research I’m going to go ahead and say sweet potatoes are healthier. Sweet potatoes, yams, it doesn’t matter what you call them; they are undoubtedly the apex Thanksgiving food.

I wasn’t originally going to include pies, because desserts are obviously super delicious and would ruin the balance of my tiers. Since I mentioned sweet potato pie, however, I will quickly rank the autumnal pies (honorable mention: meat pie, which would probably be in God Tier if it were a more commonly served dish). So, in order from best to worst; Pecan, Apple, Pumpkin, Sweet Potato. Apple has a strong case for the top spot, but it feels a little less Thanksgiving-specific. I will say, however, that apple pie makes the best breakfast of all Thanksgiving foods, main course or dessert.

Happy Thanksgiving

-Joey DiPietro

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